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The following stories were originally in the Autism Society of Maine Newsletters. I write a regular column for them humorously describing the challenges I face as an autistic individual navigating a non-autistic world. People see a little bit of themselves in each story and at the same time have a better understanding of the unique challenges we autistic individuals face on a daily basis.

Deb

The Grand Luncheon Entrance

June 2011
by Deborah Lipsky

Last month I was the keynote speaker for a benefit luncheon. Dressed in khaki Dickie pants, polo shirt, and new balance sneakers, this ensemble was made complete with my trademark paranormal investigator's ball cap. Since I only travel with an extra large backpack I insist it stays with me whenever I travel wherever I go so naturally I was wearing my pack as I arrived at the presentation site. Upon entering the building my aire of confidence was shattered by the elegance of the banquet hall. Crystal chandeliers, and the patrons all in semi-formal attire awaited my arrival. Completely shocked by this visual display and in my woefully under dressed attire, I spontaneously (others prefer the word impulsively) yelled out, "Oh Shit-....ta-ke- mushrooms!!!" (emphasis on the 1st syllable of the 1st word). I don't know who let out the louder gasp, me or the people there as all eyes turned towards me. As I was ushered up to the head table were I would be sitting it was quite a chore not having my bulky backpack slam up against the closely arranged elegantly dressed tables sporting crystal goblets and fine china. Once I got to where I would be sitting, I decided to take off my backpack which weighed a good 40 lbs between what I packed for the trip and all the souvenirs I scoffed up at the local tourist haunts. As I slid the shoulder straps off this jumbo pack complete with numerous extra hooks for attaching more gear, I didn't realize that one of the hooks from the butt pack had snagged in the rear pocket button hole of my slacks. Expecting the pack to just drop gracefully to the ground I was unprepared for the sudden jerk as it slammed into my butt sending me flying. With flailing arms and a dangling backpack nipping at my heels, I stumbled by the front tables like a psychotic fashion model on a runway. To complicate matters even further, the pack was hung up at just the right angle where I couldn't grab it and the sheer weight of it was more than my slacks could tolerate. Fearing that a monumental wardrobe malfunction was eminent, I clutched my belt buckle for dear life so that my pants wouldn't race to my ankles and I prayed, "Dear Lord don't let today or this audience be the ones to witness my first ever public "lunar experience" (i.e.mooning the crowd). Thankfully with the strength that would be the envy of Zena Warrior Princess my hand grip kept the slacks in an upright and vertical position. Nonchalantly (at least in my mind) I managed to hop, skip, and jump (literally) my way back to my table sporting the world's largest fanny pack that was now spilling it contents. It's hard to look sophisticated and most importantly unnoticed when your backpack looks like it is pooping out clothes with every step you take. Feeling as entangled and helpless as a dolphin caught in a fishing net I was able to enlist the aid of 2 people sitting next to me by just my mere pitiful expression.

Finally when this public display of awkwardness was over I sat down pretending nothing unusual had just occured. I wanted to put that experience behind me (excuse the pun) and having worked up a thirst, I reached for the crystal glass goblet containing sweet tea and ice. As I lifted the glass, the intricate paper doily stuck to the bottom of the glass stem. I started to sip the tea avoiding the peacefully perched slice of lemon on the rim. Halfway through my drink the doily became unstuck and began a free fall towards the table full of food. In stunned silence I observed the 6" paper snowflake gliding toward the plate full of salad of the person sitting on my right. With every ounce of mental concentration I tried to will it away from its intended target to no avail. At that moment the peacefully perched lemon slice suddenly slid down the rim and slapped me in the cheek. The sensory sensation took me by surprise causing the arm holding the glass to recoil just enough so that my elbow landed on the perfectly placed utensil arrangement. With the precision befitting of a military guided air strike I watched in horror as first the salad fork, then the regular fork, followed up by the desert spoon launched and cruised through the air like weapons of mass destruction. With 100%accuracy they managed to plop themselves in the lap of the unsuspecting patron sitting next to me. Stoically trying to hide intense feelings embarrassment, I just leaned into this person with this incredibly stunned look and asked her, "So are you enjoying your meal?".

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