Archive

A Day in the Life of...

The Joy is in the Journey and Not in the Destination

December 2006
by Deborah Lipsky

Whoever coined the phrase that the "joy is in the journey and not the destination" obviously didn't get there in a rental car.  I set off on a speaking tour out of state for  Health Ed, the new company that has picked me up as a presenter. They allowed me a rental car, which I picked up the night before my husband and I had to leave. It was a 2007 Toyota Camry. I drive a 1998 Dodge Breeze. I assumed that a car is a car. How much could a car change its interior controls in 9 years? My conclusion..."Toyota" is cryptic for "Troll with wheels".

As we set off early in the morning for CT I looked at the dashboard controls. The little hieroglyphic symbols were created by Picasso himself. They made no logical sense. Driving to the highway I was uncomfortable in my seat. Unlike my car, moving the seat back and forward was not done by a lever but by electronic button. It started to sprinkle despite no call for rain. I pressed the button by my chair and noticed my head getting closer to the ceiling. I turned to Jon and said, "My God! This car is actually shrinking from the sprinkles."  Jon looked at me and said, "No the car isn't shrinking; you hit the height adjustment button and not the forward one."  What a relief to know that this car is called a "compact" and not for the shrinking factor.

We drove some more when this gi-normous bug hit the windshield.  It startled us both. Green and yellow bug juice was everywhere. It was like Mothra hit the windshield. In a gut reaction I braced myself by putting my hand on the dash where the stereo system was. I hit a few buttons and within a blink of an eye we went from my calming new age CD music to blaring FM static. Boy that is the closest thing to an eject button I have ever experienced.  Then I started to chuckle thinking about a joke I didn't think was funny until I saw the bug splatter on my windshield. "What is the last thing that goes thru a bug's mind as it hits the windshield???..........Its butt"

Getting closer to the tolls, I played with the buttons to open the window and nothing was working. I was getting frantic. Jon goes all Mr. Spock on me and unemotionally states that these new cars are equipped with locks so that children can't open the windows. I glared over at him with my evil eye and said, "Neither can the adults!" I started pressing all the buttons as we crept up to the toll taker. I can only imagine what he thought when I pulled up and popped the hood release, followed by the trunk springing open, and in a final act of stupidity the gas cap door flings open like I was at some gas station.   Having pulled up too close to the toll taker it took awhile for me to wiggle myself out of the car and pay the toll. Feeling embarrassed I asked him how common this type of incident was to which he replied I am his first in 22 years.  At least this time I didn't scatter all my change on the ground again and have to get on my knees to pick it up. As we left Jon looks at me and in a sarcastic tone says, "I don't know why God made you so beautiful and so stupid at the same time".  I said there was a logical explanation for that. "God made me beautiful so that you, Jon, would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so that I would be attracted to you". That shut him up for awhile.

Trying to pick up speed I went in the fast lane. I have a slight lead foot. It is just horribly wrong to use the fast lane for speeds under 80mph, and I found myself behind a slow poke. Being impatient I wanted to flash him my high beams as the universal sign to get out of the lane. Getting confused with the control levers, I flashed him my windshield wipers on fast...doesn't quite have the same effect as high beams. Still trying to figure out the window locks I decided to press all the window buttons at once to see if they were just jammed and not the result of operator ignorance.  Man, I must have hit the unlock window button because all 4 windows rolled down instantaneously. At speeds over 65mph it creates this mega wind tunnel effect like a tornado inside the car and my map quest papers along with Jon's hat go flying all around us. The only thing missing was Toto and Auntie Emm.

I had also bought a GPS navigation system because map quest is usually wrong. I named her "Lola" after Robin Williams who had one in the movie "RV".  When I hit the Maine Turnpike, Lola kept insisting I get off at each exit and take 295. Lola has OCD. She kept repeating herself at 1/2 mile intervals, and then 1/4 mile followed by 500 feet and again 300 then 100 and as I zoomed past the exit. She started doing this for every exit on the turnpike. I swore I heard Rod Serling say, "Welcome to the Twilight Zone's version of the Amazing Race".  I had enough. I screamed out "Listen you electronic bimbo, I am autistic and go the same way every time. Don't mess with my routine." I no sooner finished that as we passed the exit when her reply was, "A better route was available".  I retorted, "Look, you frisbee wanna-be, I have driven this road many times and you haven't".  My husband in an irrational moment says to me "Ah, Deb, you do know that it is only an electronic device and not a real person, right?" Boy, if looks could kill I could have dropped him off at the next funeral parlor along the way.

We stopped on the Turnpike for gas and a potty call. I hit the lock button on the key and activated the alarm system. We decided to get something at Burger King for the road. It was busy so to save time I told Jon that I would go out and gas up while he waited for our order.  I couldn't find my car in the parking lot. That was because it wasn't there. I forgot I was in a rental and frantically started searching for my Dodge. Getting close to tears thinking Jon and I would have to walk the rest of the way to CT. I came up with a brainstorm. Hit the unlock button on the master control and my car would flash its lights.  Unknowingly I had walked up to where I had parked and stood by the rental not realizing it was mine. I hit not the unlock button but that silly red one called a panic button. Boy, I sure know why they call it a panic button.  Lights and horn went off while I was not expecting it and man I must have jumped high enough to touch the moon.  Not a good sensory experience!!!

We did make it to CT and along the way passed through a rural area. There were small farms with the backyard horse or two. We passed by a farm with 3 horses and a few goats and some pigs. After hours of marital bickering over my driving skills, Jon points them out to me and in that unappreciative sarcastic tone says "Relatives of yours?" To which I replied, "Ya...in-laws". I was very thankful that I didn't marry a driving instructor. Trust me, people, the joy was the destination!!

Archive