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A Day in the Life of...

Flying is for the Birds

December 2007
by Deborah Lipsky

I knew I would have an adventure when I started to fly but I never imagined the magnitude of "adventure" and I couldn't fit all that happened to me in one article so in the next issue I will conclude with part 2.

I haven't flown in 20 years and now that my seminars are so much in demand all over the country I had no choice but learn to deal with taking a plane. How hard could it be??

On the day I was to fly my boss flew out from WI. to meet me in Bangor and escort me to my seminar so as to "show me the ropes" of what I needed to know to fly alone in the future. We were standing in the security line to go thru screening and I made sure I had left all contraband items at home. They are pretty strict with liquid and jell and there is a huge sign that says even attempting to smuggle any of those items on board is a federal offense. As I read the sign I began to realize the contraband items that they said posed a danger on the plane made no sense. Tweezers? Tiny fold up scissors like those found in cheap sewing kits? I turned to Penny while in line and said, "You know Penny if I wanted to kill the stewardess all I need is my dental floss which is allowed. I could strangle her as the string never breaks on its own, and I  don't see how anyone can be threatened by nail clippers. Come to think of it, shoe laces would work too, and then there is the cord from my CD player and then there is............”   Penny hushed me quickly and said that wasn't an appropriate time or place for that conversation even though I was correct.

We went thru the x-ray machine and I made it thru flawlessly. Penny got red flagged and they pulled her luggage aside to inspect it [turned out she had an LCD projector in her carry on]. I jokingly yelled back to her, "Gee you must fit the terrorist profile"... again she hushed me quickly as I got the attention of the screeners.

Well they let us on the plane anyway. I wore my "I have autism" ID around my neck to let them know I was autistic or to serve as a bulls eye if they shot me. Before we took off the stewardess did a safety demo that was unrealistic. "In the event of an emergency water landing your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device, just put your arms thru the straps."  I looked at Penny and said, "you know if the plane is going down most of us are going to poop our pants while in our seats so I don't want to float around with a seat cushion full of "floaters " all around me.  That grossed out the people across from us , they must be visual thinkers too. Then the stewardess went on about in the event we lose cabin pressure there were oxygen masks and demonstrated how to use them. Naturally I had to say loudly, "yes in this CRJ200 series plane we only have enough oxygen for 2 minutes to get us from a cruising altitude of 35,000 feet to less than 10,000 feet so no one should hyperventilate as that will cut the time down."  At that point my boss would of have given her year's salary for one roll of duct tape.

I was full of questions so Penny told me I would be limited to 100 questions per hour so use them wisely. She suggested I should read a book. I went thru my bag looking for my glasses when much to my horror I noticed that my key chain had a pocket knife with 2 blades and scissors attached to them and somehow I passed the screeners while Penny didn't. Boy when autistic people know they did wrong we don't hide it well. Penny by this point had moved to the empty seat behind me. I bolted out of my seat in panic, opened my mouth to say something and then sat down quickly. It was safer to write her note of what I had on the plane. I handed it to Penny and she just said "act nonchalantly and don't draw undo attention to yourself"............as if that was possible.  What to do with the note?  It's evidence. My mind thought about putting it in the trash as the stewardess came by but that is a bad idea as it had Penny's name on the note and she would know who we are. The toilet?  No, even with the blue poo goo it won't erase the ink. I quickly stashed the note in my pocket and decided to take out a magazine to calm down. I brought with me my latest military surplus catalog which featured sniper specials this month such as scopes, ammo, veils, etc... The people across the aisle by now kept staring at me allot. I really don't know why, maybe I reminded them of a long lost relative.  Anyway when Penny checked on me and saw I was reading this surplus catalog she quietly told me I better put it away as that wasn't a good idea either.

I have this fear of dying in a plane crash. My mom keeps telling me, "Well dear if it's your 'time to go then it's time to go". My reply was and always will be "Mom if it's the pilot's time to go then I am going down with him as collateral damage." I wanted to be sure that I scripted all possible scenarios so I watched the movie "Snakes on a Plane".  I remember the bathroom scene where a couple goes in for an "intimate" encounter.  It gave me a visual of what to expect the inside of an airplane bathroom would look like.  Well I had to "go" so I strolled down the isle of this 50 passenger plane slightly smaller than the 747 jet in the movie that had 300 hundred people in it.  When I opened the door to the bathroom I was shocked. It made the blue porta potty's at public events seem king sized super spacious in comparison and this one stunk. It looked nothing like what I saw in the movie. The surprise was too much for me so in a booming voice that all heard I yelled out. "Oh my God!!!  Who would want to have sex in here?” 2 ladies sitting right next to the bathroom looked up at me in horror. Without a moment's hesitation I asked them in front of all patrons who had their eyes on me by now if they were members of the mile high club. To this day I don't know as they couldn't answer. Their mouths were wide open and I began to wonder if they might be slightly embarrassed. To break the awkwardness I just took a breath and as I sauntered back to my seat told passengers I was autistic and smiled [smiling is a good way to show that I am not a threat to the plane's safety].

Finally after what seemed like one awkward moment after another on this 2 1/2 hour flight we were getting ready to land. No one warned me that when the wheels come down it could make a terrible noise and jar the plane a bit. I freaked and screamed out “What is that noise?". Penny said firmly "The Wheels". Then I heard "THE WHEELS" first from the row behind us and then it kept coming from all the way back of the tail section of the plane. How considerate I thought that everyone on board was so concerned with furnishing me an answer.

After we landed the passengers must have really come to like me as they were adamant to let me be one of the first ones off the plane. I guess I made an impression on them as I do where ever I go. There is still allot more that happened on the return flight but folks you will just have to wait til the next issue.

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