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A Day in the Life of...

The Incident with Nurse Nana

February 2011
by Deborah Lipsky

This past July I had an appointment with a specialist in Portland. I get so anxious at appointments trying to self regulate my behaviors that I have a tendency to deteriorate into a rambling monologue and blathering on like an idiot. My husband refers to these moments as me having "verbal incontinence" ( now there's a pretty visual) so my case worker Wanda tries to accompany me when she can. The doctor's nurse was so friendly, bubbly, and full of laughter. She looked and acted more like a grandmother and even her outfit was more Nana attire than nurse's attire so I cheerfully followed her into the examining room. Because she was so motherly like I never did remember her name but referred to her as "Nana" in my head. The doctor ordered x-rays and since they had their own x-ray dept. I decided to get them done right then and there. As nurse "Nana" was escorting me to the lab Wanda jokingly asked if she could let me out of her sight for 5 minutes without me getting into trouble. Unaware of what was about to unfold I chidingly quipped back, "How much trouble can I get into in a controlled environment anyway?" I swear God must have one heck of a sense of humor.

Somehow wearing an over sized sheet of paper towel with flimsy draw strings and calling it a johnny doesn't instill a sense of modesty, especially when your panties with the cute little flower designs peeks through the gaping spaces created by the poorly fitting disposable "garment" with every step you take. Initially all went OK but there were a lot of x-rays to take in positions where it taxed my breathing and I began to wheeze. Not wanting to draw attention to myself I ignored it hoping it would resolve itself but it turned into a full blown asthma attack. I remained calm so as not alarm the tech when I informed her in between gasping for air that I was having a tad of difficulty breathing, but she panicked anyway and ran to get a nurse. Nurse Nana came rushing in and asked why I didn't carry my asthma meds with me. I told her the answer was simple: I wasn't planning on an asthma attack. Since the office didn't have anything for asthma all she could do was monitor my breathing until the attack subsided because I was adamant they couldn't call 911 unless I either was unconscious or I died. By the time it was over I was exhausted and unsteady on my feet so both her and the x-ray tech escorted me to the changing room adjacent to the waiting area. I insisted I could dress myself (I was trying salvage any shred of dignity I had remaining) so they left me alone. Being wobbly and fearing falling and making yet another scene I quickly looked around for something to hold on to. That is when I spied 2 honking huge metal hook like rods side by side protruding out of the wall at eye level in the changing cubicle. At that moment they appeared like a sign from Heaven. "Oh I thought to myself, how fortuitous that there are grab handles for me to latch on to so that I can regain my balance and not fall down and become a spectacle for everyone to see. How ingenious and thoughtful but I think a handrail would of have been more practical, still, beggars can't be choosers."

I will blame it on a lack of oxygen because how was I to know they were coat hooks anyway? As I steadied myself trying to regain my balance nurse Nana saw me teetering on the brink of crumbling and committed one the great autistic intervention faux pax's......she ran up from behind without letting me know she was there and grabbed onto my waist. Granted she was only trying to steady me so I wouldn't fall but the sheer surprise element of her actions created a knee jerk reaction where I instinctively leaned back to counter the pressure I felt around my mid section.

I was clinging to the 2 coat hooks for dear life like a drowning woman would cling to a life ring. Suddenly amidst the tranquil and serene setting of the waiting area a thunderous explosion like a super sonic boom was heard by all. Apparently the 5/8th inch thick sheet rock was unable to withstand the tension of the hooks bearing the weight of us both as I leaned back. The sheer velocity and force of the expulsion propelled us backwards through the air like a rocket. To add insult to injury when the hooks broke free they not only left 2 dinner plate sized holes in the wall but the plaster disintegrated instantly and covered us from head to toe. We looked like sisters of the Pillsbury dough boy!! I can only imagine what the patients in the waiting room must of thought when from the changing cubicles a gigantic white powdery cloud came poofing out. The hooks came out with so much force that the momentum flung us backwards onto the blue carpeted floor. It all happened so fast that the nurse didn't let go of my waist and I didn't let go of the coat hooks. I ended up falling on top of her. Immediately I was engulfed in horror....."OH NO, I just squashed Nana like a banana!!!" was my first mortified thought. My second mortified thought was the realization that the ties securing my paper johnny had been ripped off in the explosion as a result of collateral damage. Now my paper johnny took on the appearance of a spread out tattered paper table cloth and well the only thing I was feeling (besides humiliation) was nurse Nana's pants zipper pressing into my butt cheeks.

Initially there was a momentary silence as the dust settled (literally). I prayed that no one heard the ruckus and that we could emerge from the now ruined remains of the cubicle unnoticed. The short lived silence was broken by nurse Nana's screaming out in hysterical laughter so loud they must of heard her in the building across the street!! I was so stunned and unable to move that she had to crawl out from under me and literally pry the coat hooks out of my clenched fists. Timidly I asked her if this had ever happened to her before hoping she would say yes which would of made me feel a little better. Instead she said in between belly laughs that in all her 38+ years as a nurse she never ever even experienced something remotely similar to this. I felt so tiny that I could of fit through the eye of a sewing needle with lots of room to spare. Once she assessed that I wasn't injured she left to get a wheelchair while still engulfed in high pitched laughter all the way. Dazed and confused I just stared at the white foot prints she left behind on the carpet. The humiliation continued as nurse Nana explained to Wanda (I really didn't want her to know what happened) the incident as they packed me into the car and handed her an appt.card for a follow up visit a month later. Wanda assured me that next time she wasn't letting out of her sight.

We pull into the parking lot of the doctor's office a month later during the very hot spell of August. As we sat in the car Wanda got a phone call and stepped out to take the call. It was at that moment that I spied smoke coming from the island with the planted shrubbery across the lot. As a former EMT firefighter instinctively I bolted out of the car and ran over to investigate without my case worker's knowledge. The mulch all around the shrub "Euonymus Alatus" which is Latin for "Burning Bush" had ignited from the hot sun and caught the shrub on fire as well. Without thought I tried to stomp out the flames but it was so stubborn it only began to melt the rubber on the bottom of my sneakers. Intent on extinguishing the burning bush (literally) I used my ball cap to smother the flame engulfed leaves which stubbornly refused to be snuffed out. I asked a passer by to get me some water. She called 911 and then returned from the doctor's office with a glass of water which was woefully inadequate for the circumstance. Apparently "my bad" for not being more specific as I needed the water to throw on the flames and not because I was thirsty. By the time the fire truck arrived I very proudly explained to them that I had through my tenacity successfully put out the fire. The fireman looking at the saved shrub commonly called "Burning Bush" jokingly said, "Good thing you weren't Moses". Then all of a sudden it hit me......"OH MY GOD!!!... No wonder the bush didn't want to be extinguished...perhaps God wanted to talk to me like he did with Moses and I hung up on him by being so focused on putting out the fire!!!" Wanda had her work cut for her that day trying to convince me that God doesn't use bushes as phones.

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