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Caution: Generic Application form Ahead

June 2005
by Deborah Lipsky

Boy, as an adult Aspie my life would be so much easier if every time I went up to a receptionist’s desk to get an application form I’d see a yellow tilted square sign with a warning statement. Our life revolves around generic application forms for jobs, mortgages, credit cards, services, and colleges just to name a few. It’s something most people take for granted, that is unless you are an Aspie like me. Now I’ve never had any services growing up so I pride myself in the knowledge that I acquired 2 college degrees and developed unique effective coping strategies to deal with the world. However there is a proverb that says “pride goes before the fall” and just when I was proud of the fact that I had thought of everything, a simple piece of paper with many questions on it became my demise.

A common Aspie trait is our literalism and a love affair with details. What books I’ve read on Asperger’s Syndrome as it pertains to adults talks about our confusion over metaphors and common expressions because we are so literal, yet nothing I’ve read takes that literalism and applies it to the written form like an application or intake form. For me application forms are proverbial banana peels that I slip, trip, and fall over every time. You can’t memorize them as no two are identical. I imagine that somewhere back at the Acme Generic Application Form Manufacturing Company resides a gremlin who cleverly changes the wording on every other form ever so slightly as to avoid detection by a quality control inspector. To the neurotypical these changes are no big deal but to me it causes a severe case of “analysis paralysis” as I wrack my brain trying to figure out what they are asking.

Let me share with you what happened when I applied for a job at burger joint. I sat down and began to fill out the application form. Thankfully this started out with “Name”. Even I could answer this one easily. Some forms do this, “Name---(optional)” To me optional implies a nickname so I have in the past put down (raccoon lady). I am after all a licensed wildlife rehabilitator specializing in raccoons. The second question was uncomfortable. It said “Sex”. I wrote, “That’s an inappropriate question. My sex life is not your business.” The next question was simply two words, “Marital Status”. Marital assumes you are married so I responded with “Doing just fine, thanks”.

“Are you willing to travel?”, I love to go on vacations and visit new places and although I found that a strange question to ask I printed a big bold “Yes”.

“Who do you want us to contact in case of emergency?” I’m getting apprehensive now, as I’m not sure I want to work for a company that doesn’t know what to do in an emergency. I answer, “Call 911”.

“Have you seen a doctor lately? If so when?” They give you a half-inch square for your answer. It’s even too small for a Lilliputian or wizard of oz munchkin to write their answer in. I deduce they only want a one or two word answer so I reply, “Yes, last week”. (last week in the express lane at the grocery store I saw a doctor I knew and we exchanged greetings.) “Any special skills?’ Wow I have lots of them. I am particularly good at making balloon animals but I don’t see how that skill will benefit me as a fast food worker but I put it down anyway.

It is a big accomplishment for me to complete an application or intake form by myself so with a Cheshire cat like grin I hand it to the supervisor. She glances over it quickly and says, “Are you trying to be a clown?” I inspect myself quickly. I am not wearing a fluffy orange Afro wig nor do I have a red ball stuck on my nose. Then I begin to realize there is another meaning to her phrase. This burger chain has a clown named Ronald as its spokesperson so I reply innocently, “Not really but if you have a position open for one I would consider it.” Dressing up as a clown would be much more fun than flipping burgers. They never did call me back for an interview.

Some of you might get a chuckle out of this sad but true story and likewise I can laugh at myself in hindsight but it really underscores a problem of trying to decipher simple written instructions. My husband in the past has repeatedly gone over how to answer the questions on these forms to the point that it has become rote memory. The problem however is the little anxiousness or anxiety that creeps in when wanting to do a good job and then all that rote memory is out the window and the application form looks like a puzzle the “Joker” from Batman conjured up. It really left me with two options. First, bring a friend or someone I trust to help me answering the questions. Second, ideally take the form home to where I am much less distracted and can work on it slowly. When that isn’t possible I ask for help from the person who gave me the form, generally with a smile that they can’t resist usually then they willingly offer to help. Oh and remember this cardinal rule; never try to reason with them their application form is written in a vague manner. The logic, however correct, is perceived as pettiness and that might unfairly mark you as troublemaker and not a good choice for their company.

A hundred years ago if I wanted a job I just hopped into my horse and buggy, trotted down to the local mercantile store, spoke directly with the owner, and there were no forms to fill out. Unfortunately today that isn’t an option so until an Aspie takes over as CEO of the Generic Application Form Manufacturing Co. we will have to keep on guessing what the expected answers are.

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