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A Day in the Life of...

Is It Worth It?

June 2006
by Deborah Lipsky

Just when you think you have things figured out someone comes along and changes the rules without telling you. My close friend Will has instilled this in my heart that "there is a lesson in everything" but folks I have spent the afternoon pondering this very situation and have come to the conclusion that the only lesson here is, "normal people scare me".

It started out benignly enough when I decided to call my insurance agent regarding my renewal policy for house insurance. The premium was close to a hundred dollars more than last year and I needed to reduce what I pay to compensate for the sky rocketing cost of gas and all that goes with it. The agent on the phone told me that she could do an appraisal over the phone to determine what our house was worth. I thought to myself that this couldn't be all that hard. Boy was I wrong.

After a string of questions regarding heights of ceilings and an hour of even more silly questions, the conversation got really strange. I had told her that we have an old farmhouse built in the 1800’s, which was very simple. Still she asked if I had any chandeliers to which I replied, "If I could afford chandeliers I wouldn't be talking to you to lower my premiums now would I?"  She agreed and went on to ask if I have a bowling alley inside my house. As bizarre as that sounded I couldn't resist the autistic urge to be playful and I replied, "candle pin or big balls?"  I have neither but I had her there for a minute and it was really funny [at least to me].
"Do you have crown moldings?"  She asked to which I replied, "No crowns or tiara's here just ones made out of wood". How was I supposed to know what the technical term was for the trim that is around the edges of a ceiling where the walls and ceilings meet? I was in fact talking to an insurance agent and not a salesperson from Home Depot or was I? After an hour of such badgering it was getting very confusing.
"Do your windows have motorized window dressings?"
True to autistic fashion of being a visual learner I imagined some mechanized contraption splashing thousand island, ranch, or blue cheese dressing all over the windows. I replied in a timid voice, "Mam the only thing I can think of right now is a Caesar salad and I know that isn't what you mean."
"No, no," she chuckled, "I mean due you have motorized window treatments?"
There was no need to tell her I have HFA similar to Aspergers because all she would hear is that I am having a green stalk vegetable called asparagus for dinner so I said, "Mam, I am from Aroostook County, land of the taters, and I am not well versed in high culture, but to answer your question I have no motorized window treatments...I wash them gently with my bare hands."
This time she laughed when she said, "that isn't what they are".
She was right. It wasn't what this was. What it is a game of charades with the premise,' 2 words, 4 syllables which make absolutely no sense when you figure them out'.
She said window dressings and treatments are names for drapes. I know a better word, which only has two syllables and can be found in the dictionary...cur-tains.
 Boy when Daniel Webster died we lost quality assurance control with the English language.
I didn't even go there about the motorized part either.

We were nearing the end when she said  "Just one last question. Does your kitchen have a range?"  Being pooped from straining to interpret NT jargon I swore I heard,"How far does your kitchen range?" I replied, "No further than the entrance to the living room." 
I won't even bother to repeat her response on that one.
"OK Mrs. Lipsky one last question...." Gee I thought we just answered "one last question", but who's counting.
"Does your house have a dumb waiter?"
That was a no brainer even for me so I quickly replied, "Well yes I do.  There is my husband but he isn't all that dumb...kind of smart when he wants to be."
I don't know what was sadder, the fact that I heard hysterical laughter over the phone or that I was serious with my answer.

In the end after all was said and done the phone appraisal was for nothing, as it didn't lower my premium. It left me being thankful that I am not a neurotypical as neurotypical people scare me with their  "Klingon"[Star Trekkie's reading this just smiled] type language that only they understand. I will end by giving you my "two cents worth" [and I am not overcharging]...if it isn't in the dictionary then it probably isn't a real word. It is better to dress up dolls than the English language.

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