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A Day in the Life of...

I am Driving Myself Crazy

June 2007
by Deborah Lipsky

As a popular speaker on autism I have been getting numerous requests for private engagements outside of the company that I am doing the seminars for.  This past month I have had a flurry of commitments in PA and since I don't like airplanes I have to drive. It is about a15-18 hour drive one way thru traffic infested cities.  I have never gone long distances alone before but I thought to myself, "how hard can it be"?

Well my first trip was to be the keynote speaker for St. Joseph’s University in Philadelphia. Of course it was the weekend of the worst nor’easter for the northeast in years that I had to drive in. I got to my hotel by 11am as I drove all thru the night to avoid traffic. Check in wasn't til 3pm and I asked them what I was supposed to do in a raging nor’easter to which the hotel clerk replied, "Lady why don't you go sightseeing". I said OK. A friend told me later on that the hotel clerk was being sarcastic but I didn't pick up on it then.  I had to badger the doorman to find out what was there to see as he was reluctant to tell me where to go [although I bet I know that in his mind he wanted to tell me to go to...]. He directed me to the King Tut exhibit at the Franklin Institute in the heart of Philadelphia, only 6 miles away from the hotel.  I got to "center city", as the hub is called, and I marveled at the fact that this city builds huge museums and then parking spaces for 10 cars only. I ended up driving around in circles getting stuck in a rotary so I chuckled to myself and said "Look kids, it's big Ben" a quote by Clark Griswald [Chevy Chase] from his 1985 movie European Vacation.

My humor soon abated as I realized that this city was all one-way streets. If you waited .003 seconds when the traffic light turned green the car behind you laid on its horn, and if you waited .004 seconds they were ready to push you thru the intersection. Who says autistic people don't understand non-verbal body language? I knew after the 20th time when someone gave me that universal half of a peace sign hand gesture that this city isn't the "City of Brotherly Love" anymore.  I wondered if it was part of the mandatory hand signals one had to learn in driver's ed these days.  Getting all nerved up and confused I ended up in a part of town where I saw cars up on blocks without wheels, car seats on the sidewalk, garbage all over the place, and graffiti on every wall. I was going real slowly because I was trying to figure out which way was out when people were on their porch’s staring at me. My friend called and I told her what a funny looking area I was in and that I was getting out to ask directions from the guys on their porches. She said "Deb speed up, lock your door, and for God's sake don't get out of your car. They think you are there to buy heroin." Here I thought they were just interested in me because maybe I looked like the pizza delivery person. She also tried to reassure me and said even native Philadelphians rarely drive in center city, as it is too dangerous and chaotic. I sure felt a lot better after she said that [sarcasm].

It was my first trip to a big city and I learned some valuable driving tips I would like to share with you.

  1. Always stay to the right on one-way streets.
  2. Look both ways before running a red light.
  3. Never signal a lane change as it only gives the other drivers time to speed up and not let you in.
  4. Take the first parking spot. There will never be another.
  5. Never ever get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
  6. Despite highway signs the speed limit is determined by the drivers ahead of you.
  7. A yellow traffic light means, "floor it".
  8. Pedestrians have a tendency to want to become hood ornaments.
  9. Scrap literalism...rush hour lasts way way longer than 60 actual minutes.
  10. Only tourists use their signal flashers appropriately.
  11. The NJ Turnpike qualifies as an unofficial NASCAR or INDY 500 racetrack.

I know I am driving myself crazy trying to navigate congested turnpikes thru major cities. Since you have to be insane to drive in those areas anyway I guess I am almost on my way there.

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