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Flying is for the Birds Part II

March 2008
by Deborah Lipsky

Just this last trip at the Bangor Airport I was to find out this truth: there is no set guidelines for the screening line and your fate rests in the hand of the screener and best hope he didn't have an argument with this wife at home that morning or that he just got up on the wrong side of life that day.  Many of you who have heard me speak know that I use something called "farts in a jar" in my sections of sensory and also social integration.  I have been flying with it since last summer without any trouble. It isn't a jell or liquid and is no more than 3 ounces.  Well for the first time ever, this past month the screener pulled my bag aside and visually inspected the contents because of a "suspicious container of something".  He pulled out my jar and said "Mam and what is this?" I replied "Well its farts in a jar", rather cheerfully.  "No it's not" He said, "The label says Flarp in a jar".  He waves it over his head like a banner. The line comes to a stop behind me and the other passengers have just become unwilling witnesses to this interrogation.  I got nervous and said rather anxiously, "No it's farts in a jar!! The person who invented this was non autistic because he had to be socially appropriate and not call it by what it is but by some other non offensive vague name that essentially means the same thing as farts!!"  I went on when perhaps I shouldn't have because although grammatically correct, the terminology I used was not the best choice for this location.  I said, "It is harmless. It mimics the sound of an explosive gas" [I think the last part of that sentence was the part I should have left out].  Now he starts calling over reinforcements. My anxiety level is climbing faster than my heart rate and in an attempt to diffuse the situation I ask him to let me demonstrate how it works. I consider myself a world class champion in making all the different "flarp" noises known to man when he has a flatulence problem with this putty.  Just at that point with the worst timing ever my brain remembers the plane incident last year of a woman who actually farted on a plane and then lit a match to cover up the smell. She made the national papers because she was thrown off the plane and not allowed to fly again with that airline.  My mind began racing with potential headlines for the Bangor Daily News Paper such as “Woman arrested at airport for having farts in a jar and puts up a stink".

Oh my......my nerves got the best of me. For the life of me I couldn't get that stupid jar to make one single even slightly recognizable fart sound despite desperate numerous attempts.  Another screener [an angel in disguise] came over and said he had heard of this product and it didn't need to be confiscated and that I could be let on the plane  So the mean screener hands it back to me and motions me to move along as if nothing ever happened.  "As if" I could do that.

I got on the plane and it was quite full and I was quite anxious. The seat behind me was taken by a mother and fussy infant child. My seat mate was a very elderly woman who  preferred to pretend that I was the invisible woman and wouldn't look nor talk or even answer my socially appropriate small talk I had learned to engage in  since my  last article "Flying is for the birds part 1".  I thought to myself the worst was over and then it hit me literally..........my heightened senses meter went off the chart in the olfactory dept...  Poop!  Yes poop!  What a stench it was soooooo strong that it made me gag and much to my horror my seat contained no barf bag. The problem I faced now was it stunk of the "juicy Loosey" type variety if you get my drift.  The burning question was whose was it? The infant child behind me or the elderly lady sitting next to me?  I mean no disrespect to old people but I was at ground zero of that expulsion and it could have only come from one of those 2 sources.  In a show of herculean strength I refrained from saying what was on my mind and instead had this pitiful look of despair as the stewardess came by with her beverage cart.   Ah, I thought to myself, a cup of coffee helps calm me down. I hope I didn't look like I was groveling or begging when she asked me my preference but I said "coffee please" about 6 times repeatedly within 0.3 seconds. She promised to return as soon as she brewed a pot. I also buy a 20oz diet soda at the vending machine before boarding the plane just in case we get stuck on the tarmac for hours on end.

After an hour and a half of this 2 hour flight it was my conclusion the stewardess forgot my coffee. I grabbed my diet coke and chugged all 20 oz of it [by the way I am convinced my bladder can only hold 16oz at full capacity].  I needed something to do other than think of ways to stop myself from barfing from the ever increasing "aroma" of”poo stew" also known as diarrhea.  Then out of the blue the stewardess comes bearing my lost cup of coffee with an apology that she forgot and that she brewed a pot just for my one cup. To be polite I took the 8oz cup of liquid graciously and drank it knowing the basic math that 20 oz plus 8oz is almost double of what I could hold bladder wise. I hadn't finished my cup  when I got that "URGENCY" message your body puts out when you have to "tinkle" [notice my socially non offensive and blunt "other" word for pee] saying you have less than a minute to find a bathroom or else.....

I try to avoid using airplane toilets at all costs but this couldn't wait till landing.  I leaped over potential poop lady 1. and past potential poop baby 2. and into the "bathroom".  In the CRJ200 series the toilet bowl opening is the size of the miniature golf course hole for the golf balls.  Add to the fact that mothers since time immortal have told their daughters to use the "helicopter technique" [hovering] when on public toilets, you then need the skill of a surgeon to execute that procedure flawlessly.  I must have allot of bad karma from a previous past life to work off because at that point while I was in the middle of going "potty" we hit the worst turbulence I have ever experienced in my life.  I felt like a BB in a shoe box.  "Lord," I prayed, "Please don't make me a poster child for Depends Adult Diapers........please."

I came out of there wanting to shout "Praise the Lord" because he obviously heard my desperate cry for dignity and despite the odds against me, my shoes didn't squish when I walked out of there. Just a word to the wise.  Ladies it behooves you to bring along an empty coffee can for "just in case"........... [It is something I learned as sea kayak guide where relieving one is just as cumbersome as being in a plane porta potty during turbulence].  This way you can ensure that you will be "Dry when you fly".

After this experience I am convinced that if God wanted us to fly he would have given us wings. and never ever drink more than you can hold for an entire flight!!

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