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A Day in the Life of...

When You Gotta Go

March 2009
by Deborah Lipsky

It is said that autistic people lack body awareness. Ever notice when your child says they have to go to the bathroom you have .05 seconds to find one as they dance around in a frenzy trying to hold it?

Well I must say at my ripe old age of 47 I still only realize I have to go when I can no longer hold it. Thankfully an autistic explanation subsides as I approach the "golden years" [no pun intended] where adult diapers go from being the brunt of many jokes to actually having merit.

Last year while returning from a speaking engagement out of state I stopped at a rest area along the Maine Turnpike. By the time I got close to the newly renovated bathrooms I was praying that I could make it to the stall and I kept my eyes downward so people wouldn't see the desperation on my face . As I ran into the bathroom my eyes looked up just enough to see the long row of stalls on my right. I grabbed the first one and let out a sigh of relief as I did what I had to. Feeling like a new person I flung open the stall as I exited with a big grin. Much to my surprise there was a man standing across from me using the urinal. He turned around in horror as he was caught more or less in the "mid stream" of things. Being autistic I need time to process things but with both of us caught in this awkward moment there was no time for that so I had to break the silence and say something. I let out with a loud, impulsive, "Whoa....one of us is in the wrong bathroom and I don't think it is you".

As his jaw dropped even lower with that explanation I felt compelled to make "small talk" so I said, "Glad to see your plumbing works". Then I exited the bathroom like nothing happened.

I was told later that I broke the 3 basic unwritten rules [excluding the obvious] when using a guy's bathroom. Who made up these rules for public potty times anyway? It is something that isn't found in any rule book so how are we to know what is a must follow rule and what is just tradition passed down from generation to generation?. I am amazed that from childhood on we are taught that "going potty" was a private time. This rule is reinforced when company comes over. When a guest has to use my bathroom or I have to with guests we simply excuse ourselves and trot off into the bathroom. All conversation ceases once the door closes. In the public ladies room it seems great "Oprah moments" occur where the chatting is incessant even after the stall door closes. This happens especially during my seminars when I have 85+ women attendees and a bathroom with only 4 stalls. As I wait my turn doing a demented rendition of a dancing in place circus pony to avoid an accident I am bombarded by deep questions regarding someones son or client. I think to myself "for the love of humanity this is not the moment to expect me to engage in thought provoking conversation."

I enter the stall only to have to partake in a ritual slash rule passed down from mother to daughter since time immortal of " the never sit on a public toilet seat rule". No matter how desperate you are this rule must be followed to avoid hideous diseases so unspeakable they have become urban legends. So with a sense of growing [or going] urgency I fold lengths of toilet paper in half and carefully place them all around the seat so as to avoid all contact. The toilet seat now takes on the appearance of wearing a doily that looks like it was made by a toddler. There is a sense of satisfaction after such a successful preparation but that dissipates rather quickly when just the slightest breeze from turning around causes the neatly folded bits of TP to slither and creep down the side of the bowl like some serpent and end up in a heap on the floor.

In some public restrooms the stalls come equipped with toilet seat covers affectionately known as "butt gaskets". It is one solid piece of tissue paper that covers the entire seat. The middle "bowl" section has perforations along 3/4's of it with a solid tab in the back. It comes with no instructions which wouldn't be necessary ordinarily except for the fact that it was invented by a disgruntled engineer at the Acme toilet seat cover factory. To do nothing and assume the weight of things will tear the perforations will cause the trampoline effect similar to a be-day. Tear along the perforations and this giant tab hits the water and acts like a huge wick soaking up the moisture. Caught like a deer in the headlights you watch helplessly as it slowly pulls the absorbent now totally wet tissue gracefully into the bowl. Tearing along the perforations and folding the tab behind the seat only creates the boat anchor effect where the tab acts as a lead weight and the entire cover floats effortlessly to the floor landing atop of the neatly folded bits of toilet tissue from before. Thank God for mother's back up plan [again no pun intended] for such a quandary called the "helicopter maneuver". Another "rule" not found in the written word but handed down in reverance and with the stern warning of unfathomable consequences if it is disregarded..

From an autistic logical perspective a thin layer of tissue paper that allows droplets from the previous depositor to seep thru negates the sanitary part of sanitary toilet seat cover. A more sensable approach is to carry [like I do] anti-bacterial wipes and just polish that seat right before "watering the lillies" or "laying down cable". It wouldn't even be an unwritten rule if we lived in an autisitic society because there would be a "Purell" dispenser in every stall right next to the TP. Seeing as we are still trapped in a non autisitc world when you got to go you got to follow the silly unwritten illogical rules and then go.

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