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A Day in the Life of...

Getting The Wind Knocked Out Of My Sail

October 2010
by Deborah Lipsky

During this latest heat wave I decided to take a break from writing my book and spend some time at the nearby lake. A while back I had bought this really neat multi-water sport craft on clearance at the sporting good store. The photo on the package looked awesome with this twiggy Malibu Barbie model right out of Cosmopolitan waving to her friends on the beach with this craft in its 4 foot carrying case neatly slung over her shoulder. I figured if a stick figure could carry this then it couldn't be too heavy for a middle aged woman with joint problems like me. The sides of the package had 4 really cool photos showing its multi uses as a kayak, sailboat, being towed behind a speed boat, and a tanned Ken windsurfing waving to Malibu Barbie on the beach. The best part was that it was inflatable so one of its main features was that it could go anywhere. Based on the packaging I couldn't resist. After all how hard could windsurfing be anyway when it looked so effortless as Ken and Barbie made it seem.

Eager to get to the lake I took the contents out of the package for assembly. The one page instructional sheet needed a mechanical engineer to decipher its hieroglyphics. Still optimistic I figured I could put it together based on the package photos. The first step was to use the foot pump to blow up the inflatable base. After what seemed like an eternity of foot pumping this thing expanded into a 6 foot long, 4 feet wide blob. It was very cumbersome as I tried to wrestle it into the back of my pickup. Forgetting about the hard plastic keels I misjudged the clearance of the tailgate as I heaved the thing up causing the rubber nose to smack the truck and with the spring of a super ball bounce itself with me still attached to the "easy carry handles" to the pavement 4 feet away. After spending $250.00 I wasn't easily deterred by this set back [ more like a fling back ] so I assembled the mast and sail. The sail measured 12 feet in length and 6 feet wide and hung out too far from my 6 foot bed so ingeniously I finagled it so the mast went through the cap and truck's rear window and out the right front window so that I had 3 feet sticking out the back and 3 feet sticking out the passenger window..

The public boat landing where I go has a small beach beside it and that day there were about 8 families swimming there. As I pulled up to the the boat ramp in my pickup truck that looked like it was impaled by a gigantic knitting needle wrapped in white and blue striped nylon, my "toy" which was an usual sight became the focus of their attention. It seems to be an unwritten social rule of the non autistic world that if you unload a watercraft of any sort at a public landing it is expected that you are a seasoned pro in that sport. Not wanting to break that rule I tried to look "cool" as I got all the gear ready for launch. I was all set up for windsurfing as I hopped on and paddled out about 100 feet. I didn't have any waterproof sunscreen so I used my facial moisture with a 15 SPF protection rating before I left the house. The way I saw it was that I wasn't planning on getting wet so I wouldn't have to worry about it washing off.

Since all eyes were on me I wanted to show off. The first clue of me not knowing what I was doing was that I forgot you need wind to windsurf and it was dead calm. I didn't want to look like a dweeb and since the mast pivots 360 degrees I decided to lay it flat on the raft and practice paddling techniques as if that was my intent all along. Not knowing the optional kayak seat was sold separately it was difficult trying to paddle a 4 foot wide inflatable raft but I did it for an hour on my knees. Finally I felt confident enough to practice standing up to get a feel for the balance needed for windsurfing. It was about .003 seconds after attempting to stand up that I realized both of my legs had turned into 2 bowls of pudding. It didn't occur to me at the moment that with torn ligaments in both knees I lacked the stability and balance to maintain an upright position in that circumstance. I went crashing down as hard as the Hindenburg but unlike the zeppelin that burst into flames I bounced off the rubber and became airborne only to do the most ungraceful belly flop in history right into the water a few arm's lengths away from the raft. My sunglasses flew off my face and instantly turned into a 10 pound rock elusively thwarting every underwater swipe of my hands trying to grab them. Today they are still probably smugly perched on a submerged log 100 feet on the bottom of the lake. I am not a swimmer but I can dog paddle. Spotting my ball cap bobbing upright about 10 feet away I looked like a golden retriever as I retrieved my hat in my mouth and then paddled back to the raft now gracefully drifting further and further away from my grasp by the current. The easy part was reaching the raft; climbing on would prove to be the challenge. Each time I threw myself up over the bow the water dripping from my bathingsuit top and swim trunks turned the vinyl into a slip and slide. I felt like an animal because with every attempt to climb on I looked like an overweight harbor seal trying to get on a pile of rocks and with each plunge back into the water I appeared more like a penguin sliding down an iceberg overhang belly first into the water. I was pretty confident at this point that my onshore audience viewed me another type of animal... more of a donkey's behind.

Eventually I did manage to stay on top of the raft but now my entire sail was submerged a few inches under the water. I tried lifting the sail up but it was if the lady of the lake had a death grip on it and it refused to budge. I was becoming really frustrated and angry at this point so I laid down on my belly dangling my legs over the edge in hopes of gaining some lifting leverage. During this retrieval process I didn't realize in all my thrashing and limb flailing that my foot was up against and rubbing the one and only valve stem ( the only entrance and exit point to inflate or deflate the raft). After an epic struggle of woman verses nature I felt this wave (no pun intended) of victory as the sail began to rise as simultaneously a stiff breeze kicked up. I couldn't help but notice the stream of bubbles emanating from the stern (rear) of the raft but in all the elation over my recent victory all I could jokingly envision was that my craft was farting. Just as the mast and sail were halfway righted a sudden gust of wind from an approaching storm cloud grabbed the sail while I was still attached to it and propelled it forward and up so for a flash of a second I was actually standing up on the raft. Instantly I noticed that the raft had become spongy because it was in fact leaking air and not farting making it impossible to maintain the textbook perfect windsurfing pose demonstrated on the box by Malibu Ken. By now it was painfully obvious that I was trapped on a sinking ship (again no pun intended). Having no idea how to steer this deflating over rated air mattress, it began to act like a bucking bronco spinning in circles then the front end lifting off the water followed by the back end. I was being whipped about like a rag doll. It pretty near convinced me that my multi-sport watercraft was in fact possessed by a demon and my only salvation lie in an exorcism. I yelled out, "I rebuke you demon of the multi-sport aqua-glide" but it didn't help. Then without warning the wind shifted directions ripping the mast out of its base literally sending the sail and me flying. Out of principle I didn't let go because I harbored delusional thoughts that somehow I could still regain control along with a shred of dignity from this unfortunate series of events.

The wind gusts were in excess of 20mph. I was hanging on for dear life to the boom (rigid cross brace of the sail that helps you move the sail) when the watercraft demonstrated yet another talent not shown on the box.....it became a speed boat and now I was water skiing. As this demon possessed evil air mattress sped across the lake I was attempting to slow it down by throwing my weight backwards. That was as effective as trying to stop a moving vehicle by holding on to it's bumper. By now the wind was so fierce and because I didn't have a script for this (remember it was dead calm when I first started) my only logical action plan was to hang on and master the art of windsurfing despite the odds. To add to my humiliation there was a growing crowd of people onshore pointing in my direction. I quickly scanned the lake hoping they were looking at someone other than me but alas I was their freak show. I never prayed so hard in my life for the Loch Ness Monster to be real and for it to devour me in that instant.

In all the commotion I didn't realize the water was getting shallow as the raft zoomed towards shore. The keel caught on a huge underwater rock abruptly stopping this demonic beast. It literally knocked the wind out of the sail sending me tumbling like a tumble weed onto the boat ramp and depositing the mast and sail in the tree grove along the edge of the shoreline. As I was gasping for air a crowd gathered around me asking if I was hurt. I was so sunburned from head to toe that you could of mistakened me for a boiled lobster. I was totally mortified at how my "coolness" was decimated by this spectacle so in a low voice I said, "I'm OK, I just got the wind knocked out of my sail."

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